Day of Revelations

Today felt odd from the minute I woke up. Has that ever happened to you? You wake feeling off, and just knowing something is going to happen that will impact you in one way or another. Be it large or small, something will happen? Today was one of those days for me. Being that I've had them before and the events were fairly minor, I didn't really pay attention to it as I went to work. The feeling usually fades as I go about my business during the day, too, but it didn't today. I felt at odds all day at work until about lunch.

Before I go into it though, let me give a brief summary of today. I sat and had three sales, and 15 phone calls from no one. You picked up the phone and they hung up. Alix had me *69 it finally and it was always the same number. She called them three times asking that they please stop, guess it finally worked when Erika got there. Alix also visited the kiosk so we were able to chat, and I did some excess chatting with Cait that did get me a small slap on the wrist in the form of Alix kindly telling me to not let it happen again. No biggie, she wasn't mad, I wasn't embarrassed, it was good.

But, as I said, today was odd. That feeling never left and at lunch the impact hit. It was honestly the most calming experience I've ever had, which is odd because I didn't really notice just how large a storm raged inside me until this happened.

You might want to clear some time, this is going to be quite the personal journey. I don't claim to have it worse than anyone out there, in fact, I know I have it quite good. But the things I'm about to speak of all effected me greatly, for every life is different. Please read with patience and an open mind, that's all I ask. And try not to judge, because I do that to myself enough.

Today at lunch I saw Stephen, who practiced with me when I studied the Nemaru style karate under Munchback-sensei for a while. I'd thought about him over the past couple of months since I was back, missed him as well because he's an interesting fellow and a good friend. Which is odd to say, because we know so little of each other. Nonetheless, he spotted me on my way to Subway today and we sat down to chat. I also met his girlfriend, Sandrah, and Ginny, another friend. Both very nice girls that I do get along with. Ginny was interesting in that she rolled her own cigarette. I had never seen that before, so it was intriguing. This is not explaining why this moment was important though. Let me continue then...

While I did not know Stephen for long, he is still someone I consider a close friend because there was an instant connection, spiritually you could say. He has this calm nature about him that draws you to him. Not in a love attraction sort of way, but more that you long to share the kind of stability he seems to have found in his life. I'm going to say it's because he is a well disciplined martial artist.

Martial arts has been, and always will be, something I have sought. But I gave up on it because the Nemaru style and I just did not click. Nemaru is beautiful to watch, because you learn so many complex blocks. But I simply lack the proper coordination to do it properly.

Steve offered me a way around it. He knows the Nemaru style, and has adapted it with his other teachings into his own style. In the year that I was away, he moved from pupil of one ryu (school) to master of his own. The Inpakuto Ryu. And he asked me if I might like to drop by.

That was about when everything calmed. At that moment, I knew that I didn't just want to go back to my karate, but that I need to. And since Nemaru seems outside my grasp right now, Inpakuto just might not be. Steve said that it was much less about coordination and more technique. And since he is the master and has studied Nemaru, I am inclined to believe him.

There is no bad blood between him and Munchback-sensei either, and so if I choose to study both it will be okay.

The karate, however, was not all that was a revelation today. It was Steve's switch from pupil to master that was the true one. Because I realized that for the past year I had suspended my life. After everything that happened with Tabby, and then Megan, I had to.

Let me try to explain a bit, since most of this is in my entries from when I was attending Hallmark, in a separate blog.

I was very torn about attending Hallmark at first. I had never been so far away from my family before, never for so long a period of time. And I had never been on my own, to manage a home, my life, and my studies. In a way, I was about to cut the umbilical cord I was living off of known as my parents. They wouldn't be within quick driving distance, so while I could still call them at any time, I was fairly on my own at 18. It was unnerving because this had never been in my plans before, and unlike regular college dorms, I was very much alone.

Originally, Tabby was going to move to Massachusetts with me. She was going to be my support to help me make the transition. But Tabby never made it to Massachusetts. Instead, September 24th I found out she was moving to Alabama for another girl. She had lied to me as to why she couldn't move with me, saying she needed to care for her parents, and then turned around and pulled such a stunt. It was the second harsh blow in less than a month, since I had hardly been in Massachusetts a month when this happened.

As I'm sure you can imagine, I was torn up inside. I cried most nights not just from homesickness now, but from heartache. I was fairly dependent on Tabby, as were many of her close friends. I should have known better than to get attached because I watched her destroy one of my other close friends, who thankfully came back to us. You don't have to date her to be destroyed though. If you get too close to her, get sucked in, there is no turning back. Even after everything I went through for her, with her, and because of her; I still can't bring myself to hate her. I should despise her guts but I don't. And I can feel the tuggings towards the emotional turmoil she can put you through happening again, still, even when she is not speaking to me. Now we are limited to AIM, but still, it's enough. It takes more will than I thought I had to keep one step ahead of it, and to not be overrun. It's for these reasons that I never introduce anyone new to Tabby. I am well aware of how quickly they can and will lose control of the situation, and I know that they will only end up hurt in the end. I don't know if it's Tabby's purposeful doing, or a subconscious one, but either way it is not healthy. Being as bad as her home life was though, I can honestly say Tabby is probably a victim of her environment, and that she doesn't truly realize what she does.

The third blow in that month though came a week later, when Megan lost her mind on drugs. Megan, the girl who had attended Hallmark before me. Megan who gave me tips and insights, and who was a model for me to look up to. I can tell you my brain and life shattered at this point, looking back on things. I got my first speeding ticket that Friday as I drove in because she had called and said she needed me before she lost it. She wasn't there. She was no where to be found on Saturday, either, though she gave me odd calls and asked weird questions. She worried myself, Rick (her boyfriend at the time) and Renee so much that we went out looking for her. I met Megan's mother that night for the first time. It was 11pm at night, and Renee and I went knocking on her door because Megan had lost it on drugs. She was taking some over-the-counter stuff that was making her dehydrated and delirious. And from everything Renee and I had been able to gather from people who had briefly seen and heard from her, there was a good chance she was whoring herself out to men at the racetrack, and even a suspicion that she was making crystal meth. Her mother called the cops, an ambulance, and Rick--in that order. And then a psych doctor who was willing to treat Megan for free if she'd only let him. But she would not. And then while we waited, Renee and I helped clear away anything Megan could use as a weapon because her mother was quite certain Megan wouldn't hesitate to kill her. From the way Megan was acting I can't say she was being overly-cautious. We never would have gotten Rick to bring her down, except that he was in the military and Megan's mother warned him that she could ruin his entire career.

The night became a blur after that. Megan was screaming, threatening. Everyone but me. With me she pleaded--pleaded that I take her back to Massachusetts with me, that things would be okay if she could just get out. That she just needed to get away, that we would do amazing things together. That she needed me. And I had to turn her away. I remember Rick vomiting at one point, and the cops showing up. I remember talking to them a bit, but not about what. Probably the suspicions about Megan. And I remember them telling us they couldn't force her into a psychiatric hospital since she was over 18, and them telling her mom she had already solicited them her body. That the best they could do was find her a homeless shelter, but that legally the mother had to get eviction papers to throw her out. I remember her taking a tote of stuff, and leaving in the back of a patrol car, not with remorse, but with anger. A pure hatred so vile that the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end.

We stood there talking for a while, Renee, Rick, her mother, and I. It was about 1:30 when we left, her mother offering to treat us to coffee or something but we declined. We all needed to get home. We did stop at a small pull off from the road, some scenic area, for one last chat. To fully calm our nerves. We stood there until we were frozen from the night air.

I got home around 2am. And I was sick to my stomach at what had happened. The next day I saw Megan, and I'm fairly sure she stole $50 from me, along with whatever sanity I had left after Tabby. I couldn't find any place for her to stay, and so I had to leave her at Congress Park to fend for herself. She was talking crazy and making no sense, and at one point she kissed me. Which, out of everything, was the most awkward and hurtful feeling of all because of what had happened a week ago.

I do not remember driving to Miss Kurama's house. I just remember ending up there, looking for her. Because out of everyone, she was the one person who I knew had insight into stuff like this. She wasn't home, but I broke down in tears that hadn't come in the past 36 hours while I was on her doorstep, and her parents made me come in, sit down, and they talked to me. I have never felt closer to any human being in my life since then. It was this act of kindness that probably saved me from doing something horribly rash, and helped set me back on the tracks I had tipped off of, though I was still in disrepair and unable to move forward. I will never forget what they did for me that night though, and it meant the world to me right then.

My life remained frozen there, though. Life was different in Massachusetts, and the first thing I did was purposefully overdose on my antidepressants for a while. I was taking two pills every day instead of one, and on an emotional high like you wouldn't believe. I was happy, and it numbed me to all the pain my life had just issued me. All of it. I don't remember when I came down, but I do remember seeking Tammy's help and contemplating attending AA meetings, since they were for all sorts of drug abuse, for the victims and for the effected family and friends. I never went though, and I probably should.

Hallmark became my life. I threw myself at my school work with such force, that I lost sight of anything artistic within me. I was more interested in the technical aspects than the creative, and I put myself into an artistic block that I didn't even notice. And I didn't care.

I soon found the Yamete forums. And I made friends on there. Friends that I was so desperate to have, I scared away. Only Mouse really wanted to chat with me, until I joined the massive roleplay, Rival Schools, and met Rachael.

Rachael, unlike everyone else (it seemed) didn't live in California, but instead five minutes from me in Greenfield. It was a break in the storm, that one ray of sunlight that I ran to so that I could bask in it. I didn't care what was going on around me, because Rachael was my friend, and I felt human again. But I wasn't me.

I didn't make many close friends at Hallmark. In fact, as much as I want to I'm too timid to keep up any close contacts with anyone. And those who I was close with, were not even close to my age. So Rachael was like the one person I could cling to, and she was content to cling back.

My life in Hallmark was vastly different from my life in Galway. Sure, there were the obvious reasons, but the emotional ones were greater. And with everything that happened in September, I just sort of shut down. I'm sure my friends and family noticed it, but I didn't. Not until now, now that I am back. I didn't want to hang out with people. I wasn't good about not procrastinating. But most importantly, nothing bothered me. I was emotionless, and foolish. It was like I had gone back three years to when I was dating Nichie. It was insanity, and I was acting stupidly. I didn't hold to my own values, and I got way in over my head with Rachael. I suppose that's why I became so confused when I came back, and why she no longer understands me. She told me I changed a lot after I got back here, and so she never saw the real me. And I'm ashamed about that, because I lead her on while I knew her without realizing it, and now I've probably hurt her fairly badly. But there is nothing I can do to help that now, the past is the past.

When I was away at Hallmark, I didn't get to see any of my friends from home. As such I missed out on a year with them, and it feels like many of them have moved on. Friends that I was unable to keep in contact with have left. And Luna-kun and Miss Kurama moved to Massachusetts, thus lengthening our time apart. Thankfully, they are under two hours away, and so I can go see them soon. It's been well over a year since I last saw either of them, and I miss them dearly.

Today though, today is when I realized that I had been living suspended from life all those months. It was today that I realized that when I had failed Hallmark my whole life had crashed around me once more, and that every careful barrier I had put up to protect myself that had never healed from the harm done in September came crashing down. In short, I was beyond myself. The issues, the depression, and then failing--it was too much and I didn't know any other way to deal but to push it aside and keep going forward.

As much as I love random ideas and outings, and as much as I hate to plan, I needed that in my life. And I didn't get it until I finally found a job, a job I didn't truly want because I was resisting growing up all over again. I wanted to go back to having my parents care for me and just not doing anything, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. Staring work at Walden Books was wonderful because it forced me to learn a schedule, and to perform basic tasks. It forced me to become a gainfully employed member of society, and it forced me to function as an adult, and to come out of my slump.

Today though... today showed me that it's time to heal. Today the storms calmed inside me and I'm able to think. I am able to cry the tears that never were shed that should have been, and I finally feel that I'm actually starting to move forward and pick up the pieces of my life that shattered around me one year ago and were left there to cut me over and over again. A task they have seen to well.

It's a strange concept, I admit, but I can feel the change. I can see more clearly now than I have in a long time, and I finally feel like I might be able to start sorting stuff out. And this is why I have to pick karate back up, because it's something I left behind, and it was something that gave me the physical power to defend myself, while at the same time it trained my mind to discipline so that I felt sure of my place in the world. It makes me feel healthy, whole, and more alive.

In that way, I'm very much Eastern. For me, karate is not just a way to fight. It's spiritual, and it helps me to think. And to learn control of myself. It's something that I know, instinctively, that will help me. And I plan on pursuing it.

Who knew today was going to be so productive in such an odd way? At least now I can come away from being defensive, protecting myself, and actually start to live again. It's time to live again. I've lived with those ghosts of my past far too long.

And maybe, once I heal the past, I can finally see what the future is actually going to hold for me. Because right now I don't know.