Crashing and Burning

It's so strange. As I write this, I feel like I've left my mind and body behind, and am watching them drop off a cliff with my emotions. It's such a surreal feeling. And probably not something good.

I'm still jobless, and it's finally taking its toll on my mind. All the pills in the world aren't going to help this, because they can't get rid of the cause. It's no good if you just treat the symptoms, you have to kill the disease.

I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I just want to do photography, but I can't. I lack the money to pay for gas to take me to the areas I want to photograph, and the economy here is suffering badly enough that no one has the money to hire me it seems. Not that I'd really see any of that money anyways since it goes into a business account. :\

I applied to the BonTon and a few other places. Just need to hear back from them now. Still hoping for something to come about with Five Guys. I don't know. I just need money. I hate having to be dependent on materialism.

My sleeping schedule is also totally backwards. Again. Which doesn't help but I just have no motivation or stamina to turn it back around. In fact it's quite the opposite. I'm getting to where I'm sleeping more and more. I feel like a cat. I sleep for one long period, wake for a while, and nap often. And the naps are getting longer and more numerous. Not healthy and I just... don't care. Well no... I do but not actively I guess.

I'm starting to loose interest in my friends too. Games aren't particularly interesting anymore. I don't eat right, if really at all. But I'm not actively trying to starve myself this time at least, I just don't have the desire to make myself food. I cry randomly for no reason.

It's all part of depression and I know this, but I don't want to take pills to just cover up the symptom when I know the underlying cause this time is stress. My mind is just shutting down because it can't handle the thoughts of what's going to happen if I'm unable to continue paying off my loans. And I'm not going to put mind-altering chemicals in my body when all it's going to do is put a smile on my face as I kiss life goodbye.

Basically, that's what I'm doing. And the government doesn't care, and they never will. Bush really screwed us, and Congress and the big companies running their pocket books aren't going to let things change that easy. Why should they when they're sitting fat and happy on capital hill? It doesn't matter if the rest of us suffer. At least I'm not like a lot of the country and committing welfare fraud and shit to get money. At least I still have my honour.

But something has to give, because I'm sure I'm not the only one losing my mind to the stress of this economy. I just want to sleep through it, and with the way things are going maybe I'll get my wish. I mean after all, what else can I do? Everywhere you look businesses are shutting down and closing their doors because Americans only barely have enough money to pay bills and put meager food amounts on the table. No one really has the money for luxuries anymore.

Now I'm just rambling. I think I'm going to go back to sleep. There's no reason to be awake after all. Right now, life is just a waking nightmare. I'd rather live in my dreams where I can survive anything.

I'm tired of just existing but it's all I can do for now.