Tonight is a Bad Night

Tonight is not a good night. It's one of my down ones, and I'm really missing the people I met at Hallmark. I just checked the Hallmark Hipsters blog, and I saw the video of Mark, and I've been crying ever since. I wish I could have been there with everyone. Hell, I wish I'd found more time to hang out with people or something. But of course, me being who I am, I befriended people in their 30s and 40s mostly, or above that, so there really wasn't any hanging out to be done. Still... I miss them dearly. Debbie, Althea, Dan, Loretta, Lauranne, Christie, all three Adams, Angie, Larry, Brandy, Lindsay, Kathleen... and so many more. Since I failed though, I didn't get to say goodbye or anything, so there's a big lack of closure, so I'm sure that has an effect. But I do miss them, and I wonder what they're up to. Probably not job hunting the way I am.

Which is what I did today. It was hazy, hot, and humid; and I was in long pants. Had to, because I couldn't find my capris to save my life. If tomorrow is anything like today, since I'm hitting the pavement again, I'll be wearing a skirt. I had such bad heat exhaustion when I got home that I ended up napping for two hours.

On the side I've been talking with an alumni from Hallmark class of 2006 by the name of Melanie. She's super nice, and believes in my work which makes me feel a bit better. Until I get working and get my feet back on the ground, I'm really shakey. There are times when I'm fully confident in my abilities, and then there are points in time like right now where I just hate myself and feel like I wasted ten months of my life.

So yes, definitely need that job. Wish me luck.

In the mean time, I'm still shooting. Went to Congress Park around 9:30pm with Megan, another alumni from Hallmark (2003), and we shot long exposure because there are some cool shadows. I've been really lax on my retouching though, so I only have one shot to show for it right now. I'll do more... another time.

July 19th I'm off to the town of Day for more fireworks, so I'll get some other practice in on that. Gonna bring as many friends along as possible. Maybe use them as models in the mean time.

And July 17th there is a fair going on, and I'm gonna shoot my friend's performances in the talent show. That'll be good for my portfolio.

July 26th I have a graduation party to attend, which will have a pool and fireworks. Most fun indeed.

July 20th is when my family leaves for camp for two weeks... but I don't know that I'll be going. Depends on my mood, and if I have a job yet or not. They don't return until August 3rd. But it's only 30min to an hour away (depending on traffic) so I can visit all I want.

My sister is in Europe right now, for American Music Abroad, so I'm hoping she's having a good time. And I hope she comes home and dumps her douchebag of a boyfriend. But I won't go into that because it's one hell of a rant.

And it's really hard to believe, too, that this time last year I was starting to freak out about attending Hallmark, dating Tabby (who I haven't heard from in forever, and don't know that I want to because of all that happened), still feeling young and shielded from the real world, and generally very happy.

Right now, I'm in a long distance relationship, I get down on myself for failing Hallmark because hey, hindsight is 20/20, and the real world has come up to bite me in the ass and make me feel old as hell and that scares me. And I don't care how many Zoloft you shove down my throat, it doesn't make it all go away. But it makes it better... except for tonight.

But I'm done moping. I should just go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.


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